Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
