I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
