the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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