so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
