my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
