Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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