Sober January is a disaster.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Houston, we have a blender
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
