Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Randomize
