Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
