I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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