Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
