I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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