maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Please don't give away my fajitas
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
