Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
