bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
