i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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