College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I don't deserve a penis
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
