then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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