I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
