Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
In America we eat man semen.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
