If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
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