end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
