So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Please, let me fuck your mom
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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