I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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