I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
