whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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