3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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