What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
