So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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