angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
