mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
