How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
