I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
