Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
