My liver just broke up with me...
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
