i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
