Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
this is an emotional support booty call
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
