How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
