i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
now i know why i became what i already was.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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