there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
