First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
