Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
