he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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