How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
kristin has been a bad kristin
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
