We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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