turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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