i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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