I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
