Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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