I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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