Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
